Timing is everything...

So, I like to believe myself a master planner, a list maker, an organizer. This is mostly by necessity (and maybe by way of my Virgo nature) and yet somehow I got the crazy notion to blog/journal - whatever you want to call it - just before the holidays. What WAS I thinking? So, 2 months later and here I am - having survived (barely) the holidays and admittedly, feeling shame that I didn't keep up on something that I had hoped to start and continue with. I tell myself that life is about just this - trial and error. And, so with that I shall delve back into the realm of discussing my personal life in the form of blogging...


The holidays - goodness they took a toll on me, as they often do. Playing the role of Santa and providing the season's magic for 5 is no easy feat. Each year I tend to reflect on the Christmas holiday - more specifically the few days leading up to Christmas Day and I try to set goals for the following year that will allow for my children to continue with the wonder of Christmas without nearly destroying Steve and I. Destroying may seen too harsh a word- but the fact is we wear ourselves out almost beyond repair to provide all that we do. Christmas Eve!?!? Don't get me started....It is absolutely, positively, unequivocally THE longest night of the year regardless of the time spent beforehand to ensure otherwise. This one single fact may just be the only thing the storymakers got right about Christmas - that Santa is up all night long delivering gifts - that certainly is the truth here.


Now, it may sound like I'm giving off a Scrooge-esque tone - it's not my intention- really. I'm simply stating the reality of our family right now - Christmas is WORK! I try to simply - I really do. I try to make sure that Steve and I have a magical Christmas season too - it just isn't in the cards right now. Perhaps it is because we have "BELIEVERS". It's such a short lived time in the scheme of things. So, although I feel (dare I say as an LDS stay at home mother who does not drink) hung-over Christmas day and really can only recall the days' events by looking at photos that I apparently snapped on the 25th of December - It's okay! I want to (and love to) provide the magic and wonder of the season for my children. Afterall, is there anything as wonderful as a houseful of little ones tucked into bed anticipating the arrival of the big guy? Heavens no! Well, perhaps there is....a sleeping baby, heart-felt hugs from my sweet children, "I love yous" (I could go on here). But, at the end of it all I fall apart physically. It takes awhile to get back my energy and sense of well-being. Sleep deprivation - it's a bitch.


During the days of November & December there are school assemblies, classroom parties (for four of my five), family traditions - LOADS of them, shopping, baking, cleaning, budgeting, decking of the halls - y'know typical holiday *stuff* to take care of above and beyond the daily grind. I realize this is the case for most. In our particular situation, it's the size of family we're doing this for and then the little issue of not having any family nearby who participate whatsoever, putting more pressure on me to make-up for that (that's an entirely different post right there). Anyhoo, I actually enjoy the extra busyness of it all and often (after the holiday recoup) am left to feel a little out of sorts trying to figure out what to do with myself ;) Can't win for losing ;) I'm sure to blog more about that as those weeks arrive for me shortly.


Tonight (actually, just looked at the time @ it's 12:30 - so early morning now...) I am able to add a new entry to this blog because Steve is not here preoccupying my time ;) He's with Noah in Denver for Noah's monthly check-in/blood draw for the clinical trial he is in currently. They SO enjoy these trips together and I LOVE that they get the opportunity to spend alone time - something so rare where you're one of 5 kiddlets. Tradition holds that they fly out on a Sunday early afternoon, hit the ESPN Zone in Downtown Denver shortly after landing and picking up the rental car - play an hour or so in the ridiculously cool arcade area, grab a black leather recliner each and kick back in the viewing room while chowing down and enjoying some high profile football game (Yikes - was that a run-on sentence? ). Those boys are in testosterone heaven! The following morning they get up early, hit the Barbara Davis Center on the U of C campus to take care of business and hit the airport to return home. It's a whirlwind trip, but from all accounts given by the guys - totally worth it. Would it be inappropriate to say that there is in fact somewhat of a cool side to this whole Type 1 Diabetes thing? (And listen, there is so little *good* about it - I've got to, for my sanity, find something that is a positive).


I could say 'till next time. However, to relieve any pressure on myself, let me just state that "next time" could be another 2 months out. If I've learned anything in the last several months, it's that life can throw you a curve ball so stinking fast, leave you with your jaw dropped and feeling like you've been hit by a Mac Truck OR as in the case of Christmas, I can bring that same feeling on myself by (perhaps) overdoing it all. Either way, the end result is that chronicling it all can be the furthest thing from my mind. That being said - I'll be here again, when I can...

It's CHARLIE BROWN people...

GOOD-NESS - I cannot believe how difficult it was this evening to get the troops settled and watching this movie! I've never seen it. I've wanted to. In fact, for most of my kids childhood years we have repeatedly missed the Charlie Brown holiday shows. I'm not sure why - but we ALWAYS miss the one and only time it is shown on TV for the season.

Because of this misfortune, I found myself overly excited today when I came across the Charlie Brown holiday collection on sale at Super Target. Add to that the $5 gift card incentive if I bought another holiday flick and well .... how could I possibly pass the opportunity up? This would ensure my kids had the annual tradition of watching the Halloween and Christmas shows I enjoyed seasonally as a child.

Steve and Noah had been out of town. They left yesterday mid-morning to fly to Denver for the monthly study check-up and had returned home dinnertime tonight. I had visions of our reunited family spending our evening curled up on the couch under blankets (as we often have done) watching the new CB Thanksgiving DVD while thoroughly enjoying being together after a short time apart. I made dinner - not gourmet - but good (Whole wheat pasta smothered in Alfredo and topped with sauteed pancetta, black olives and mushrooms served with toasted garlic artisan bread and a baby greens salad). I allowed everyone to bring it down into the family room to begin the movie watching session - assuming that we would transition from eating to the couches.

I assumed wrong. Firstly - the dinner was complained about by some. This irked me somewhat given the time and effort I put into feeding my family, but I shrugged it off not wanting to let anything ruin our time together. The kids were particularly cranky with each other. I actually heard for the first time as a mother (and this amazes me given how many children I have and how long I've been a mother of said children) "She's TOUCHING me!!!" - OMGAWD!?!?! Could I possibly be hearing such words escaping my otherwise very chill-with-each other kids? I figured it was fatigue - nobody slept particularly well last night. I shook off the comment and went back to my visions of a blissful evening with my family. A minute later, over the sound of the movie I received an earful regarding my son's disappointment with how his new iPod is working (or not as it were). I tried to dismiss the comments and urge my son to wait until after the movie to see if we could fix his major life crisis to no avail. The baby decided during this commotion that nursing was THE only thing he wanted to do and that he wanted NO part of having anyone else near HIS mother! *Sigh*

Finally, deflated and exasperated I gave in. The TV was turned off. I addressed all the issues that needed addressing, cleaned up after dinner and had the children head up for showers. I gave Rachel and Ethan a bath and had everyone get into PJ's, pull outfits for school tomorrow, brush teeth and meet me back downstairs. I would NOT go to bed without some semblance of what I was hoping to achieve for the evening.

"It's CHARLIE BROWN people! We WILL be watching this as a family. There will be NO talking. There will be NO fussing. We WILL enjoy spending time together!" These words could be heard echoing through my home. I'm ashamed to say, I was in essence shoving a family night down my kids throats. Steve - he seemed to humor me and helped reign in the kids.

The end result - *I* didn't dig the movie. It was OK - but not great. All of that hullabaloo for a mediocre flick (insert rolling eyes icon here). The bright side (and there is almost always one) is that we did in fact end up having a quiet 30 minutes or so cuddling. Those are precious times to me. So, giving the evening a second-try definitely paid off in that respect.

This experience has had me thinking since I tucked everyone in for the night ..... Maybe trying to have a certain feel or experience was where I went wrong. Maybe I was hoping for too much. It really would have been better for me to have at least SEEN the movie beforehand. I would have understood from the get-go that it was not an attention grabber & keeper, yk?

Anyway, it's always the little things and unexpected moments that bring happy memories. I need to remember that next time...

Here's hoping that I can put my holiday hopes into perspective before the time arrives in just a few short weeks. I'd hate to have to a repeat of our first attempt at tonight during such magical times (or at least what I hope to be magical - ack!)

Our Newest Family Member...

Or at least it feels like another member of the family... Type 1 Diabetes.

Noah was dx with this disease on July 25th @ exactly 5:05 pm. It is one of those moments - an exact moment in time that replays over and over in my mind in slow, slow motion and will, I assume, continue to do so for a long time to come. It is not just the events that play out for me repeatedly, but the emotion, the fear, the regret, the guilt. Although from all accounts - there is nothing as a mother that I could have done to prevent this. I am told that this is an autoimmune disease - that Noah's own immune system attacked the beta cells in the pancreas that produce insulin. I am an otherwise smart woman and easily grasp concepts like this. Unfortunately, I cannot help but have feelings of guilt and regret. Did I do something? ANYTHING that would have contributed to this dx? Was there ANYTHING I could have done to prevent my son needing to rely on man-made insulin in the form of injections for the rest of his life? No - I know, I know. But still.....


Anyway, I bring this up here as a way to vent and also as an introduction to the blog. Frankly, this will be a topic of much discussion by myself here. It is SO much of what my day to day life is about. I'm told by those who have been dealing with this disease for several years that there will in fact come a day where it (it being the new care and keeping of my son) will become so second nature that I will (we will) not think twice and that eventually we won't feel like we have Diabetes as a family member. I don't see how that is possible - but am open to the idea.

I would never ever admit this to my son, but I now live in a constant state of fear. Fear that I will lose my son, fear that his body may pay such a huge price for this disease that eventually his eyes or heart or kidneys or limbs will give out - something that happens daily in the lives of Diabetics who haven't or couldn't control their blood sugars. This is not what a mother wants for her child.

Now I understand that there are FAR more dire things that could have been given to my son and/or family to deal with. There are people who go through much MUCH more trial and tribulation than that of Diabetes management. I realize this. I've seen this. However, I'm a mother of a Type 1 Diabetic who is only 3 months past dx. I need time. I need time to further understand and educate myself. Time to see that everything will be okay.

To that end, I dug in and started looking for something - anything - that would improve my son's ability to get better. I found that there is no cure for this disease....YET. I'm told that pt's with this disease have been told for yeeeeeaaars that the cure was just around the corner. However, new advances have been made allowing for continuous glucose monitoring, more accurate testing of glucose levels and more accurate dosing via pumps. My understanding is that there is a closed loop option coming soon - allowing a continuous glucose meter to talk directly to an external pump that would automatically dose a person. I want to do everything I can to help my son preserve his honeymoon phase (a short phase in children whereby their pancreas still produces a little bit of insulin). My hope was/is that by preserving some pancreatic function that if and when the time comes for a *cure* (however that cure may be delivered), that Noah would have a better chance of healing or being helped out. It's a hope - a pipe dream maybe?

I found a study for Noah to participate in. After explaining the ins and outs of it rather candidly with my then 9 year old (a recent birthday has him at double digits now :) ) he was just as enthusiastic about participating as I was! So, we began a long journey last month involving monthly trips to Denver, CO and requiring 2 long stays in Denver 6 months apart. The study will run at least 2 years but may require longer monitoring. This study involves giving my son an auto-immune drug that attacks the T-cells that are attacking his pancreas (have I said that word enough yet today? ). The hope is that by shutting down the attack on his body that he will remain in a honeymoon phase for upto 2 years longer than he may have. So far, the drug used has been tested and shown very positive outcomes on this front. Our fingers are crossed.

I believe that we all come here with a "lot in life" some have harder lots to deal with. I am looking for the positive in what we have been given thus far. I have no doubt that this is one of many things we will deal with in our lives together. I am confident that we have much to learn from this new family member - all family members bring something to the table, yk? I believe that there is a God in Heaven aware of what my family is experiencing and will help us through this. That knowledge brings me peace at the toughest times.

Anyway - this may not seem like the Readers Digest version of the story - but I swear it is! There has been so much much related to the topic that we've experienced - I would love to jot it all down but have some time constraints. In this particular case, I have an hour to accomplish quite a bit before picking the kids up from school and beginning the long process of homework, dinner, family time, nightly routine etc.

'till next time.

Hats & Scarves & Mittens, Oh My!!

We woke up to our first snow this morning. It was unexpected - it almost always is, isn't it? It was beautiful! The mountains are white and as majestic as ever - such a blessing to see. Of course, along with the blessing of such breathtaking scenery comes all of the discommode that winter weather brings. Cold, windy, wet weather. Vehicle windows encrusted with snow and ice. The need to bundle up requiring more time in the morning hours than my family often has to spare. Nevertheless, we endured and enjoyed and had 3 of our 4 school aged kids to school on time (sorry Leslie).

It amazes me how the whisperings of a mother to her children "Good morning! You need to look outside, we had snow last night!" can wake the deepest sleeping child bearing the gift of wide eyes and a large smile to that mother. Another blessing! I love the innocence of childhood. I love how the littlest of things are so adored and appreciated by children. I love the simplicity and hope that I someday find that again in myself.

The weather stuck a cord in me. I immediately longed for the smell of comfort food simmering in the house. Admittedly, I had (and have) zero desire to actually cook something that would omit such smell. That lack of interest comes, I guess, from being tired and still attempting to recuperate and reacclimate to my life since my return from Denver last week. I found a happy medium and will "Sandra Lee" the meal (for those who are unaware of the boobs-down-to-her-waist cook - she can be seen on Food Network's Semi-Homemade Cooking - a decent show, but mostly in an entertaining I-can't-believe-she's-making-ANOTHER-drink kind of way). This attempt will have the end result of that home-y, comforting smell fill the house as my children and husband return home after a long day of school and work :)

How can I add an entry today without addressing a monumental occasion that occurred just last night!? Barack Hussein Obama was voted into office. The first African American President of the United States of America. To watch history be made last night was incredible, for a lack of a better word. We did this as a family, watching the numbers trickle in. It was fantastic to see the response of the American people - out voting regardless of inclement weather and long lines. The highest voter response ever. More impressive to me - the concession speech given by John McCain. Such a gracious man who would have also made a good president and served his Country well in that capacity. Obama's speech was inspiring and gracious , paying tribute and support to McCain and the service given to his Country. I have no doubt that Obama will make a good President and lead the American people in a positive direction. For those unhappy with the outcome of the election - the negative comments and ill feelings should really come to a quick end. How about the principal of loyal opposition? It is the concept that one can be opposed to the actions of the government or ruling party of the day without being opposed to the constitution of the political system. Just some food for thought.

Well, I have just about an hour before I need to pick the kiddlets up from school and drop Leslie off to dance. I should make some use of this time, get dinner started and get the never ending pile of laundry worked on some more.

'till next time...

A work in Progress...

Journaling - I love the idea!

Really, I love only the idea of it because frankly, time isn't in abundance and I rarely want to give up family time or (should I be embarrassed to admit this? ) primetime TV to do it. I'm not one to retire early and curl up in bed with a good book or in this case a pen and pad and jot down my daily thoughts and activities.

It's sad really - I have five INCREDIBLE children (and I don't just say this - they really are for all intents and purposes some of THE best people to ever grace the planet) who do and say the most amazing things daily. I should record these things. I should because there is so much going on around me constantly and I'm so damned sleep deprived and busy all at once that by not writing things down, I inevitably forget. I mourn how much I cannot recall of these precious (and sometimes crazy) times. And so thus begins the Adventures in Scotown blog - a place where I can come periodically (while I'm already up online) and quickly type up an account of my days raising 3 sons and 2 daughters. All the joys, fears and tears that go along with motherhoood. And, maybe - just maybe along the way I may have some form of self discovery through this process. A refined idea of who I am as an individual instead of Shelley "the mom", "the wife" "the free maid". For those of you who are knee deep in parenting a young family - I'm sure you understand what I mean...

So, blogging will take the place (in the interim) of a pen and pad - the good old fashioned way of journaling and I will apologize in advance for those I bore and/or offend ( I tend to do that occasionally). Clearly, the work in progress will not only be this little piece of cyber space - but myself as well.